Pimp Your Pooch

Wow it's been like forever since I wrote in this thing. January? Really? Slackin in my mackin for sure. Anyways, I've gained newfound inspiration outta nowhere so I'm gonna milk it for what it's worth. Nothing really new going on with my life except work and the occasional play. And being a dog pimp.

Well not really. It's not like I've got a gang of bitches (pun intended) on the corner ready to pop that pussy for a Fido. What I'm trying to do is stud this purebred yorkie we've got named CT (short for Chuck Taylor). It's my cousin's baby mama dog and he was kinda dropped in our lap when she moved out and didn't really have a place to keep him. But anyways, back to dog prostitution. So yea my cousin asks me to start looking at websites to stud CT saying that we could possibly get around $600 a pop (again pun intended) everytime we find a bitch for CT to fuck and we'd just split the money. So me and my cousin are now co-pimps in a one dog prostitution ring. $300 to pimp out the pooch's sperm doesnt seem like a bad deal now does it? I don't know how much human babies go for on the black market but a sperm bank usually only pays about $50 on average for a human sperm sample so i've heard.

So on to the websites. Let me tell you, people take this "studding" thing SERIOUS. Dogs gotta be registered, have all their shots, have a certain demeanor, be weight proportionate, etc. If you're a sad, fat dog, forget about it. You might as well learn how to jack off.

Luckily CT is registered and has all his shots so he makes for a pretty damn good doggie gigolo if must say so myself. Finding him a bitch has been no easy task. I tried craigslist at first and my post was subsequently flagged and removed. Really craigslist?

You let HIVGonoraidsherpechlamydia infested sluts post their third world vajayjays for financial gain on your site but the minute I wanna post my drug and disease free canine escort you wanna put salt in my game? What gives? Wack sauce.

So now I lookup this legitimate dog studding website called Dog Lookup and boy was I in for a reality check. These other yorkie manwhores were giving CT some real competition!

Take a look at this guy for example. He's got on a fuckin football jersey for Christ's sake! How do you even compete with that? It's a known fact that jocks get all the chicks. A beautiful "blue" color that you don't find in most yorkies? Yea CT's got a beautiful "piss" color that you'll find in most dogs that like to swim in their own urine a la Michael Phelps. 6 kids already and on his first shot too? The dude's a fuckin all-star! CT would hump a shamwow if it gave him the time of day. This is gonna be harder than I thought.


Ok I give up. This motherfucker has on a Baby Gap turtleneck. Good references? So you can call up his bitches and they can tell you how good he beat it up? CT doesn't stand a chance.

I'm not gonna say my brief stint as a dog pimp is over for good. I'm sure with a little more effort i'll be able to find CT the bitch of his dreams and make some money in the process but for now it seems like I was a bit in over my head.

In all my rambling I forgot to post pics of CT. I'm sure you all wanna know what he's working with and hey maybe one of you guys has a yorkie bitch we can introduce him to so here goes:


I was hoping the ladies liked the tongue one. Till next time folks.

p.s- if anybody knows where I can find a doggie Armani suit i'd greatly appreciate it thanks.

"Ask Steph" Pt. 2

Ask Steph Pt. 2
Uploaded by stephiscrazy. - Watch more comedy videos and sitcoms.

"Ask Steph" Pt. 1

Ask Steph Part 1
by stephiscrazy

First Cl-Ass

In flying, I now realize why there is a curtain separating first/business class from coach. While I sit here sipping on my half a can of ginger ale, these summamabitches are eating filet mignon, cobb salad and drinking perrier spring water! Luckily I ate before getting on this flight otherwise I wouldve been one pissed off dude having to sit back and watch these overpriced ticket holders scarf down their overpriced, but very delicious looking food. I swear this one dude in first class had the nerve to look back at me and smile with a piece of steak still on his fork! Hate sitting right behind first class! So I did the only thing I could do and held up my cup with leftover ice and chew it with a snarl on my face. Flight attendants dropped the ball on this one. Close them curtains bitch!
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And we're off...

So today begins the first day of the Vegas trip where we'll be playing in the World Series Of Beer Pong to compete for $50,000. There's about 450 or so teams playing in this thing so the competition is gonna be deep. We came in 33rd last year out of about 415 teams so I guess all in all we did alright. Definitely plan to improve on that this year.
Ok so now that I got the textbook intro out the way, I'm ready for a fuckin drink! I'm actually blogging from the plane as we speak so I needed something to help pass the time. Just a couple of things I thought I'd mention about the trip so far:
1) Airline security - due to some recent incidents by some wannabe terrorist jackasses, we thought security would be tenfold so we decided to show up like 2 hours early for our flight. Checking our baggage and getting through security took us all of about 20-30 minutes which left us with an hour and a half to spare give or take. I'm not complaining by any means but I was fully expecting to have to strip butt naked. I wore clean underwear and everything! So sadly I'm a bit disappointed.
2) Wendy's breakfast - again, another disappointment. I got breakfast burritos that had more tortilla in them than actual substance. If Wendy was real I'd give that little red headed hoe a piece of my mind.
3) Bitchy flight attendant - all I gotta say is if you hate your job that much just fuckin quit already! This flight attendant was being so mean to this one passenger when all he wanted to do was stow his jacket and she wouldn't let him stow it in "her" bin. How is it "your" bin bitchy flight attendant? I don't see bitchy flight attendant written on it nor do I even see your initials BFA on there. Chances are today is a "heavy flow" day. So I get it, you don't want us to see your bleeding vag kit complete with midol, chocolate, and industrial size tampons that could probably double as flotation devices. Fuck your life bitchy flight attendant.
That is all for now. I'm just gonna read this crappy sky mall magazine and look at all the cool useless shit I can't afford. Till next time.

p.s- this bitch next to me just coughed on my dry roasted peanuts. I think I hate her soul.
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