8 days and counting...

Been a while since I updated this damn thing but the madness that is Las Vegas is soon approaching and sure there will be plenty stories to tell. Stay tuned...
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E-laughs

How do you know if what you said online is funny or not? Let this little handy guide help you out.

As somewhat of a blogger and sit down comedian, I've had my fair share of laughs and bombs when it comes to material and jokes I put out there. You always wanna get feedback so I've come out with a nifty little guide that will let you know what people REALLY think of your jokes:

1) Ha: "I've had funnier bowel movements."
2) Haha: "I'm being sarcastic. What you said wasn't really funny but I don't want to hurt your feelings."
3) lol: "Legitimately funny. I didn't piss myself but my butthole clenched a little."
4) Lmao: "Hilarious
5) Lmfao: "fucking hilarious"
6) *dead*/*dies*: "the cadillac of electronic laughter. Loss of bodily functions. Temporary paralysis. Mud butt."

p.s- Please keep in mind that adding an exclamation point (!) to the end of any of these will significantly increase the meaning. For example, a "haha!" could possibly be the equivalent of a "lol" and a "lol!" could possibly be the equivalent of a "lmao". The only exception to this rule is "ha!". You still suck.
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Cabin Crazy Pt. 2 (kinda)

There is no part 2 due to the fact that I blacked out from drinking last night and don't remember shit. That is all. Thank you come again. Peezowt.
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Cabin Crazy Pt. 1

Soooooooo ummmmm.....long time no update? I'm on twitter so much "micro-blogging" that I sometimes forget I have an actual blog that I can express myself in more than 140 characters. I then realized that the name of this blog is the chronicles and that I should be using it document things going on in my life as well. So here goes:
This weekend, as we speak, I'm out camping. Yea you heard right. They got ya boy out in these damn woods. But this isn't like full on wilderness, sleep outside, become one with nature camping....we're in a cabin. With electricity. Running water. Bunk beds. Direct TV. And a mini-fridge. Not exactly what you would call "roughing" it. We got here last night and it's me, my boy Bunky, and his boy Rob. Mind you I had no idea Rob is black. Bunky is this big 6'5 300+ lb white boy and me, well...I'm just my dominican self.
So you have this big white dude and two men "of color" in this cabin and I can't help but wonder what the other people at this camp ground are thinking. "Did me and Rob kidnap Bunky?" "Or is Bunky our big brother taking two underprivileged kids out on their first camping experience?" Either way, the shit looks mad suspect. Got drunk as fuck last night playing our version of uno where how ever many cards you have left when the last card is thrown is how many shots/drinks you gotta take. You can imagine the impact of laying down a couple draw fours on somebody late in the game. Ouch.
Interesting conversations when you're drunk. Somehow it got to butt play which is not exactly the kinda conversation that 3 grown men wanna be having in the first place? "Accidental" slip ins, whether or not we let females grab our butts, and hittin it from the back and lettin that thumb slowly creep inside were just a few of the directions that convo went in. Ummmmmm...yea. Exchanging war stories of sexual conquests, some fishing, and even managed to fit some religion in there. Didn't get to bed till like 5am and managed to wake up at 8:30 unscathed. Feeling a bit shitty but I couldve been feeling A LOT worse considering all that I drank last night so I count my blessings. Not sure what the plans for today are but I'm just waiting for Bunky to wake up and make us breakfast. "Are me and Rob a rap duo and Bunky is our manager/personal chef?" Ok, maybe not that one but you gotta admit the other two are pretty believable. Peezowt.
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Test

Liger. Bitch.
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THC (not what you think)

So I got my free samples from the guys over at The Hangover Cure (www.drinkTHC.com). We'll be doing an episode of DaWrecked TV based on a review of the product. They claim that by drinking it before you go to bed, after a night of drunken debauchery, that you will wake up with no hangover whatsoever. So what me and my crew are gonna do is test the limits and see if it truly is THE HANGOVER CURE. I'll try to set something up next weekend so stay posted!
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This weekend...

I plan on getting drunk. This decision was easily made and required little to no brainpower whatsoever. Funny what we can do once we DON'T put our minds to it.
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DaWrecked TV

Check out http://www.youtube.com/dawreckedtv
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Oh how I clown thee, let me count the ways...

This dude stays losing. WHY GARY WHY?!!! First off, the jean shacket bro? "You're killin me smalls!" And yes I said SHACKET...that's a shirt and a jacket combined...I don't know if he's standing with his arms like that because the shacket is so constricting or if he's gotta pee really bad after not finding any rest stops while on his road trip with his super shweet S(h)aturn convertible...oh boy..what to clown on next...the lips dawg (pause)....srsly?...fuck powdered donuts man...you look like you been snacking on asbestos flavored pringles...and last but CERTAINLY not least..the LIME GREEN CROCS....shoot yourself in the face


WEBSTER 2. ARNOLD 0.

My burger has a face...

I got set up majorly yesterday at my job y'all. A co-worker comes to me like right before lunch and asks if I wanted a "burger". Now this co-worker normally brings in really good food to share with people from time to time so I said "sure i'll take one". I didn't bring any lunch and didn't want to spend any money on lunch so this was perfect! So she lets a few of us know that the burgers are ready as she had just heated them up in the microwave and I go back to where her cubicle is to get my tasty "treat". She even had pasta salad! Now I looked at the "burger" and something should've told me there was something up with it. It was HUGE and odd shaped but I just figured they packed too much meat into the patty right? So I go back to my desk ready to smash this "burger" and I took a bite and immediately thought "ok...tasty...but a bit dry". I get some barbecue sauce from another worker and the "burger" goes down perfect.

Now i'm not gonna lie, it tasted a little different but again, being the optimist that I am, I thought that they just used some different spices or something. Now my co-worker who gave me the barbecue sauce her desk is adjacent to mine so I can pretty much hear what goes on at her desk and vice-versa. She had gotten one of these "burgers" too so that put me at ease even more because someone else was eating one besides myself. The receptionist comes over to the co-worker and asks "how is the venison burger?" Now my dumbass is oblivious at the point and i'm thinking that venison has something to do with the size of the burger because like I said the thing was huge. So I pay them no mind. Then the co-worker who offered me the "burger" in the first place comes over the co-worker next to me and whispers "does he know what it is yet?". Now i'm on FULL ALERT y'all. WTF do you mean "does HE know what it is yet?" HE is ME!!! So they ask me how is my venison burger and I said it was good! A little dry but good!...they start giggling and ask me if that was my first time eating DEER -------*blink* *blink* *blink* *silence* MY FIRST TIME EATING WHAT?!!!...So yes y'all Bambi's mother died in the fire and i'll be damned if she wasn't a delicious doe!
It kinda freaked me out a little bit but what could I say at that point?...I devoured that thing!...you would think that the weirdness would end right there right? NOPE!...the co-worker who brought the deer burgers in actually had a picture of the deer right after they killed it!....This blew my mind y'all...I mean...I know that meat comes from animals but it's rare for a city boy like myself to get a chance to see the face of an animal that I just ate! I mean this was a picture of the actual deer that had died for my hunger sins! I had to take a picture of the picture...so without further ado....THE FACE OF MY BURGER (ignore the white kid he's the son of the co-worker..lol)

Webster 1. Arnold 0.

Man this is some sad shit right here. I don't think I ever wanna get old. For my mid-life crisis I'm gonna buy an expensive sports car and drive that sum bitch right off a fuckin cliff true story. I just saw this most recent pic of Gary Coleman and my heart goes out to dude *pause*. Either he's just going through some things or he plans on auditioning for Nightcrawler in the next X-men movie:



I think I speak for us all when I say "DAYUUUUUUUUM HOMIE! IN HIGH SCHOOL YOU WAS THE MAN HOMIE! FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?!"



His arch-nemesis Emmanuel Lewis however, has remained the same through out the years although slightly more ummm....rotund



Conclusion: In the battle for man-child supremacy I think Webster has won this one hands down

Steph's "Twitter Follower Guide" ®

Alright guys, well I’ve made up this guide to help you get more followers. Now I can’t say that what worked for me will necessarily work for you but if you take the basic concepts I’m about to lay out and apply them to your individual situation then you should make out just fine. So let’s begin:

TWITTER
I’m sure by now you don’t need an explanation about what Twitter is but I need to tell you what it is to make a point. Twitter is a real-time micro-blogging service. Think of blogs you like to read and imagine getting that same information in 140 characters or less, that’s Twitter. Now some bloggers would rather keep their blogs to themselves and live at home in desolation with their 40 million cats. THAT IS NOT WHAT TWITTER IS ABOUT. Twitter is for extremely vain (but extremely cool) people who actually think and want other people to think as well that their lives are worth reading about. You want people to follow you and hang on to your every word and wait with eager anticipation of your next tweet. I know at least, that’s what I want. Do you? Yes? Let’s continue then:

REALITY BLOWS
If you’re reading this then there’s a pretty good chance (100%) that you’re not famous. Otherwise you wouldn’t need help getting followers because you should already have thousands upon thousands of adoring fans already following you! If no one knows you and you have no followers then you’re basically just having conversations with yourself on Twitter and depending on how detailed these “conversations” are with yourself people may think you’re weird and NEVER follow you! So how do you get followers then if you’re not famous?


WHO ARE YOU?
Well I’ve found that you have to be one or more of 3 things: 1. Extremely funny 2. Extremely informative or 3. Extremely hot. The word extremely is a bit much but what I really want to say is that you have to be appealing to the audience you want to capture. What are you going to offer to people that no one else can but you? Why should they follow you? What will you share with this audience? These are all things you have to think about if you really want your audience to grow. Thought about it? Got it? Great. So now you’re either funny, informative or hot but you still have no followers, what gives?

BECOME A STALKER
Not literally ( I should put a disclaimer on this thing). What I mean is FOLLOW, FOLLOW, FOLLOW...ON TWITTER ONLY! I recommend following people you know. Now with Twitter just now seeming to really take off, you’re probably not going to find as much of your friends on there as say your MySpace or Facebook. So what’s the next best thing? Celebs! Follow your favorite celebs to get your base going and your information feed rolling. At least this way you’ll be able to keep up on the latest happenings of some of your favorite stars. Now chances are these celebs are not going to follow you back. If they followed all of their fans they would be overwhelmed with direct messages and would probably swear off Twitter forever. I’m sure they deal with plenty enough @replies as it is! Well now you may be asking yourself “why am I doing all this and I still have no followers of my own?” I’ll tell you why. Who follows celebs? FANS! PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU, REGULAR PEOPLE WHO ARE MORE WILLING TO FOLLOW YOU BACK.Get it? Just look at the list of your fave celeb’s followers and now you’ve got yourself a list of like-minded fans that are probably into the same stuff you are! And if they’re into the same stuff you are then I’m sure they wouldn’t mind following you right?! So go crazy with that follow button! Now you can only do 1000 requests a day and until you get more than 2000 followers you can only follow up to 2001 people so you can only get but so crazy with that button. Don’t limit yourself to one celeb’s followers. Try to follow different batches to get yourself a well rounded list of people who are into your different interests. Don't limit yourself to just celebs either! You may come across a fellow regular "twitterer" who intrigues you in a way that you might want to pick up some of their followers as well. GO FOR IT! The more people you follow, the more tweets that will come across your way, giving you more opportunities to reply to people who say something that catches your attention! Now after you get carpal tunnel from clicking the follow button 1000 times guess what? YOU STILL HAVE NO FOLLOWERS!!! But be happy with the fact that at this point you have done everything in your power (with the exception of bribing, begging, prostitution, etc.) to get more followers. Now what?

SIT BACK AND WAIT
Yea you heard me. SIT BACK AND WAIT. With all those people knowing that you’re following them you’re bound to get what I call the “pity fuck” followers. The pity fuck follower is the follower who notices themself or gets a notification that they have a new follower and says to themselves “I guess it’s only right to follow them back seeing as how they’re following me”. So they click follow on your profile and BOOM! You got your first followers! Congrats! There are sure to be more pity fucks along the way and pretty soon you’ll be a pity fuck stud! So you’ve got all these one-night stands under your belt but you don’t want that. You want long term. You look at your number of followers and it’s steady declining. Why? Because you weren’t a good lay! Your pity fuck became just a pity fuck with no potential for second dibs! So now what?

BECOME DESIRABLE
Most pity fucks will stick around a few weeks just to see what you’re about and if the interest isn’t there they’ll just unfollow you and move on to the next. Some pity fucks might even stick around forever because they don’t really care who they follow and you were just another notch on their bed post. While it’s nice to have these people add to your follower count, they don’t really do you much good because they don’t take Twitter serious enough to reply back or provide any good tweets for you to reply back yourself. So they’re pretty much all for show and nothing else. What you want are people who are going to respond to your tweets and who you can engage in conversations. Why? Because these are the people who can recommend you to their followers and who their followers can recommend to their followers and so on and so on! Get it? People are constantly looking for cool and interesting people to follow and isn’t the whole point to become someone that other people want to follow? Of course it is! You want to say interesting things that people are going to want to RT (retweet) with your username so that your name gets spread across Twitter and you get that recognition. I can’t tell you how to be interesting to other people because everybody is different. My only suggestion is just be yourself and even though it can seem like a popularity contest at times don’t be discouraged if you lose followers along the way.Those people weren’t in it for the long haul and you’d rather have people who accept you for who you are instead of having to try to be someone else just to appease them. The more interesting you are the more people that are going to want to stick around and the more they are going to recommend you to their followers. It basically becomes a pyramid scheme at the point where you’ll be generating followers from the followers of your followers! (did you get that?) Don’t just wait for them to respond to you either! Twitter allows you to @reply anybody regardless of if you’re following them and vice versa (unless their updates are locked/private) The name of the game is to put your page out there as much as possible!

MORE TIPS
-Pay attention to your timeline: see who’s regularly tweeting and who’s not. The same way that followers who do nothing are dead weight is the same way that people who you follow who do nothing can be dead weight as well. Unfollow the dead weight to allow room for more people for you to follow, especially if you’ve already reached your max allowable. Give people you follow a week or two for you to decide if you want to keep following them or not.

-You don’t have to follow everyone who follows you (pity fuck) Some people become genuinely interested in your tweets and may not necessarily need for you to follow them back. If you find them interesting as well then follow them back of course. The more people you follow however, the less likely you’ll be able to catch everything that comes across your feed anyways so once you establish your solid base of followers it’s ok to be selective about who you do or don’t follow.Besides, true followers will always be paying attention to what you say and wanting to respond so that will give you your chance to interact with them!

-Have a pic! It doesn't necessarily have to be you. It could be a logo or a funny pic (no impersonating celebs!) but at least have something! Unless your face really looks like 0_o

-Tweet as often as possible. Let people know you're alive. If your last tweet was over a week ago people may think you've ditched Twitter and unfollow you.

-Last but not least, ALWAYS RESPOND TO TWEETS AND DIRECT MESSAGES!! Unless someone just gets real annoying then it’s ok to ignore them but you always want to make sure to respond to people. Thie will make you seem more approachable and most people would rather follow someone they can actually get feedback from. Celebs may feel like they can just ignore anyone because they get tons of messages all the time but us regular people have to be better than that! Respond and let your followers know that you’re for real and not some stuck up bastard or spam bot!

FINAL WORDS...
I think this pretty much sums up an easy and most importantly MEANINGFUL way to get more followers because there’s really no point in having a ton of followers if no one is paying attention to what you say. EVERY TWEET COUNTS!

Happy Tweetin’,

Steph
twitter.com/stephiscrazy

Somee Card Tuesdays Volume #2

Everybody's favorite time of the week!

How excited were you when you finally got your first piece of ass?

My guess is that your reaction was somewhat like this. I know mine was. Matter of fact it was EXACTLY like this. You think I weirded her out?

Top 10 Couples Who Should NOT Get Their Last Names Hyphenated

Got this in an e-mail today...thought I'd share...enjoy

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Somee Card Tuesdays Volume #1

Well really it should be volume 2 since I posted some last week but I wanna make it a regular weekly segment so i'm making this the first of the series. I love making these things:



















TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MORE WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT!

The recession hits KFC

Say it ain't so Colonel Sanders...



- R U HUNGRY
- YA I M....NOM NOM NOM

That warm fuzzy feeling...

I've pursued a new hobby...writing somee cards...here are a few of my creations I will submitting to Hallmark:

Best commercial......ever

I love how the fish sings like he has a learning disorder. Much success.



homeboy is jammin aint he? GIMME THAT FISH!!!

Babies make better pets than dogs

Allow me to introduce you to my kids:

Demon Spawn #1



Demon Spawn #2 (no photoshop on this one...his eyes are really like that)



Demon Spawn #2 doesnt spit out split pea soup like the Exorcist...he prefers tomato soup



Awww look he left me another present! Thank you Demon Spawn #2! The gift that keeps on giving folks...demonic poop

The recession hits Subway®

I don't know why or how i'm able to observe some of this shit sometimes:

So i'm chillin at Subway this afternoon on my lunch break waitin on my roast beef on wheat right? It was one of those Subways that are in a gas station so they have the little automated computer screen where you place your order and then give your receipt to the gas station cashier while they prepare your sandwich. So this dude places his order and I guess he got the combo meal because he reaches down to grab his chips. He starts eating his chips while he's in line to pay the cashier and actually ended up finishing the chips before he even got to pay! So he pays the cashier,walks over to the fountain drinks to get the drink that comes with the combo, and gets his drink. Tell me why homeboy went and tried to grab a second bag of chips! and what's worse is that one of the workers blew up his spot BAD when he did it! She was like "UMMM SIR..YOUR COMBO ONLY COMES WITH ONE BAG OF CHIPS!" and on top of that she held up one finger just in case he couldnt understand the words that were comin out of her mouth!...i thought to myself "go ahead girl!...she's ride or die for her company's potato chips!"....LMAO...homeboy just looked real sad and embarassed after that and put the chips down while everybody was either shaking their head or tryin their best to not bust out laughing...guess who was doing both?.....THIS GUY

ahhhh i love life's simple pleasures

Speed Racer

Karma is a bitch with a sense of humor:

So I'm driving down I-95 this morning to work doing 75mph. Anyone who drives down I-95 knows that the speed limit is 65mph. Now you can usually find me doing like 80mph+ going along with the flow of traffic. I'm going slower than normal this morning only because I know the spots where state troops like to camp out. I'm in the fast lane right and this dickless piece of shit (DPOS) behind me decides that I'm not going fast enough and tries to tail me in hopes that I'll wise up and switch lanes. Now usually I'm more than obliged to do this (no one wants to be "that" guy) but because he was right on my ass I thought "fuck that shit if he wants to get in front of me he's gotta switch over and pass me". So DPOS gets hip to my non-compliance, switches lanes and floors it. Not only that but he had the nerve to cut me off in the process to get in front of me! Guess who was waiting for that fuck as soon he pulled his "fast and the furious-esque" move? Woop Woop! State trooper was right there ready for his ass! Guess who was getting tailed now biotch! Gave homie the one finger salute as I drove by him pulled over on the side of the highway

"you wonder why they call you bitch, you wonder why they call you bitch"
-2pac

LMAO

Sweet & Sour

I wish I could shoot like this every day...this was the loser's bracket finals in last weekend's tournament. Unfortunately, we lost our very next game to come in 2nd...damn I was a dick for screaming on them like that...lol

March Madness

I need to make a "man-list". In this man-list I would detail some things that a grown ass man has no fuckin business doing. I've got two things so far:

1) saying the word "snickerdoodle"
2) singing and dancing along with Beyonce's "Diva" in the club

I've personally seen both go down...STOP

TGI muthafookin F!

some throwback funny shit that used to have me dyin back in the day....GONADS AND STRIFE!...lol...anyways....beer pong tournament tomorrow and then league right after...a whole fuckin day of drinkin and playin beer pong..how did i get so lucky...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Schools in session

Can't know where you're going unless you know where you came from. SYGU (Step Your Game Up)

The beginning of the beginning

Finally decided to make me one of these thingamijigs...maybe i'll find one person who's bored enough to read about my life and if i'm extra lucky?...maybe two...just a somewhat brief background on myself...currently 25 years old...originally from Brooklyn, NY (we go hard...no homo/clay aiken)...now residing in Baltimore, MD....man of many hustles...regular 9-5, beer pong afficionado, amateur rapper extraordinare, and party promoter...just an overall cool ass dude if I must say so myself....this blog will serve to document these hustles of mine and I will try to update it as often as I can with only stuff that I deem blog worthy...so here I am for the world to see...everyone says that the new year is "their" year...well this year I hope to not bullshit myself....Peez